Just feeling like blah…

Well, this week has been a complete bust. I haven’t worked out one day this week. I did start off eating salads, but by Wednesday I was off track. My entire life is off track to be perfectly honest.

My mom passed away January 21st of this year after being hospitalized for almost 3 months. She lived with me for 16 years. She moved into a nursing home September 6, 2018. I received a phone call that she was being transported to the hospital on October 25, 2018. After arriving at the hospital, I found out she had pneumonia and sepsis. To make a long story short, the pneumonia caused the sepsis which led to acute kidney failure, and the rest is history. She had preexisting health issues as well, but the combination of bad health led to her death. I struggled with the decision to place her in the nursing home for a while. I never wanted her to live in a nursing home. I would have much rather she live in a nice assisted living facility, but financially this wasn’t feasible. The places I visited and liked were about three grand plus per month, and I definitely didn’t/don’t have that type of money. I kind of feel guilty for placing her in the nursing home in the first place. I believe everything happens for a reason and when it’s supposed to, but I feel a bit responsible for her being gone so soon. It was very hard to watch her suffer with each passing day, but she fought a good fight.

I’m still struggling with her passing each day. Death is a natural thing, but somehow I felt like I had all the time in the world to have my parents around. My dad is still here, and he’s mobile and somewhat healthy. I never imagined a world where my parents weren’t in it. With the passing of my mom, this reality is just a bit too real for me. I know life goes on, but I can still see her taking her last breath.

Around the same time, the realization that my relationship was in a rocky state was brought to my attention. Communication is always so important to ensure everyone is on the same page. When things begin to feel weird to you, they’re probably feeling weird to the other person as well. Don’t be afraid to speak up to try to rectify the issue before it becomes a much bigger issue. So today, we’ve decided to call it quits after a 10 year run. He, the father of my prides and joys, isn’t in love with me anymore. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for ten years, and now I can finally exhale. Every experience is a learning experience for sure, but I’m clueless as to the reason I’ve had to endure the things I’ve endured. I’m not speaking on the relationship because we had plenty of great times in my opinion. And I’m sure I have a friend for life.

Let me be honest. I’m a 38 year old single woman with two children. I’ve never been married. I never wanted my children to have stepparents in their lives, but I can’t stop living simply because things didn’t work out with their father. I’m certainly not looking for anything now. I need time to heal and get my life on track. What do I want? What are my goals for my life? I know for certain I’m going to buy a house in two years because that’s something my kids and I deserve. I am a school counselor, but what more do I want to do?

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